The Kobe Left Cheek Bleeding Cut Awards March 25, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Golden State Warriors, Los Angeles Lakers, Photoshopery, Referees , 2 comments |
In honor of Kobe bleeding like crazy last night, here is the inaugural Kobe Left Cheek Bleeding Cut Awards:
First up: BOB DELANEY:
He gets 5 Kobe Bleeding Cuts for blowing the call on Monta Ellis/Derek Fisher flop. I mean, one quick look at the two recent comments on here site and you can tell the Yay Area is not thrilled with the once undercover FBI agent.
You just hate when that happens, which makes us all wonder if that’s why he “quit” the agency (ahem ahem—going something like this:
FBI Director: Hey Bob
Delaney: Yeah?
FBI Director: You know that guy you let go because you thought he wasn’t a gangster?
Delaney: Sure.
FBI Director: Sssssssssss… yeah… we just found out.. he really was a G
Delaney: Oh. He’s good.
FBI Director: You’re fired.
Derek Fisher:
D-Fish gets 3 Bleeding Cuts. Sure he flopped like there’s a national crisis in flop shortage and thought by getting one in would be his version of a stimulus package.
Not so my friend. He did what he had to do to get the win, that’s it. I mean, you wouldn’t do any less for your weekend warriors would you? But there comes a time when integrity begets reputation and perhaps he could have re-done it in a more classier way.
It was nice move though, I gots to admit. That was like a Street Fighter II Turbo, takedown, all he needed was the +25pts and level damage bar with a complete finishing move to go into the bonus car wreaking round.
Philly Beating Boston
Dre Iggy and his band of ragtag misfits gets 1 Bleeding Cheek. I swear to you I have not watched a single Philly game this whole year. Why would I lie to you?
I was under the impression that they’d be the the NBA team equivalent to the great city of Atlantis (side question.. why is it the “CITY” of Atlantis? What country is it from? If there was a country, how come they just moved on like… “Well, there goes Atlantis, better find a detour to get to the in-laws’ place”???)
Anyhow, beating Boston is no small feat when your main arsenal is purely on dunks. Good on you Andre and the team of Phil-A!
ME
Yes yes yes, I must bring myself into the conversation once again.
Why?
Well, you see, I hurt my toe last night.
I got a boo-boo.
It’s serious business.
I think I need to call in a sick day
It looks infected.
Lamar Odom’s Arms
He’s gotta get that checked out pronto! Getting 21 rebounds last night and 22 the previous night. That deserves 4 Bleeding Cheeks.
Either he’s stolen some of the Dwight Howard man juice (yes, now that image isn’t GOING ANYWHERE MUWAHAHAHA) or GSW really need to up its size when they battle the Lakers come playoffs.
Getting boards is hard, I know because I’m a certified expert. My buddy is 5′2 I think, but somehow he always manages to grab missed shots and put it back. I think he cheats a lot, like tiny push offs here and there, but they’re always timely, at the right moment. God I want to punch him for consistently beating us with that.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that: I need to box out more. The end.
So Someone Scored 168 Points In 22 Games Straight AND Blocked Tyson Chandler On A Dunk Attempt?? March 17, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Houston Rockets, Photoshopery , 3 comments |
Hello internet. I’ve missed you. Don’t ever leave me… I was in a… I was in a very dark place. And by dark place, I’m of course talking about the Film Processing room where I took some film stock to get processed.
Well well well. The Houston Rockets are the feast of the Eas–er–We-a-st? Not matter that failed pun, if it took 22 wins in a row to resurrect my T-Mac love then so be it. Even if we all know the real hero is The Sarcastic Voice That Is The Sound From Jeff Van Gundy’s mouth. It was only a matter of time when I’ve had to put my “real life” on hold and come back to the very thing that I wish life to be: the endless record breaking bliss of basket yonder.
I mean, seriously, who the flip puts up 168 points? Not Flip Saunders or Flip Murray mind you. Not even the Flip Mode Squad. So as we brace for the eventual cranking of the REAL season, please NBA, break the following, once thought humanly impossible, feats:
• Scoring 100 points in a quarter
• An entire game consisting of just dunks
• The Charlotte Bobcats finally gives fans what they want: a match between actual Bobcats
• Melissa Joan Hart sinks 9 shot clock beaters
• And finally: the unprecedented on-the-fly call by referee Derrick Stafford to a penalty play
So, this brings us to Tuesday’s Celtics-Rockets roast. And it’s going to be easy money: Rockets. Forget the Celtics, their charmingly little rise this year cannot get in the way of #2-3. Mac for 59 pts!
What? Salem the Cat was gangsta. (Nick Bakay started the Tale of the Tape!)
Mighty Morphin’ Power Layups!
Posted by TheHype in Marketing, TV Shows, Toronto Raptors , 2 comments |
I know the rest of the league went green for Paddy’s Drunken Binge Day, but seriously bros, something about the Raptors and their color scheme are all about looking like Tommy by in ‘93:
It’s gotta be the jagged stripes on the side that gives it that nostalgic look, at least to me. And come on: DRAGONZOD vs. RAPTOR, WHO YOU GOT!!!! Oh and Raps lose again without Bosh to the Utah Jazz. There’s a message in there somewhere. I think it’s something about cheeseburgers.
Morning Drive: Don’t Forget The Clutch March 4, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Dallas Mavericks , add a comment |
The golden locks of Siegfried Illustration: TheHypeIf you’re not a sissy, driving clutch is the way to go. What other motives would there be to go un-clutch? None is the answer son (hey that stupidly rhymed!)
But let us examine the importance of the clutch, especially with a standard vehicle: it’s very important. I can’t stress this enough: the car can’t even move if there’s no clutch. Please find a your dealership as you as you see that a clutch is missing, cause that ain’t right.
Morning Drive: Get Out Of The Way March 3, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Photoshopery , add a comment |
Slama-jama-Obama! Illustration: TheHypeWatch out!
When you see the reigning lion running full steam into your defense, do the sensible thing any driver in the mist of the NBA would do: Pull the hand break and jump the fuck out of the car—Jason Statham style.
You do not want to get punked on national tee-vee. In fact, that’s 5 demerit points right there.
Things to look out for in avoiding this:
It’s probably when your team is up or very close in points against this type of road subject that your internal hazard light should flicker. Once you’ve acknowledged that this is the case, hold on tight because the thunder will come down any moment. Be sure to report it to the insurance that it was their fault.
LeBron on Deng [YouTube]
Morning Drive: Where student basketball drivers get to learn their basic theory before approaching daddy’s BMW Z4, because you’ll fuck it up bad, real bad.
WotS: Here Comes Kobe…
Posted by TheHype in Los Angeles Lakers, Word on the Streetz , add a comment |
Mr. Bryant once again itched his way into the 50+ point game arena when he pretty much beat the Mavs and stole Mark Cuban’s GI Joe toy all by himself. Word on the Streetz sought the higher meaning in all this…
 Cate Lepard Illustrator “Kobe’s just trying to get that elusive Oscar… What? The Awards were two weeks ago?”  Gina Welds Banker “It’s like he can’t stand the fact that points get shared by other people and not just him!”  Mr. Roboto DVD inspector “Yeah? Well, I once ate nine medium sized pizzas let’s see him top that shiz.” |
Yao’s Unwritten History March 2, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Houston Rockets, Injuries , add a comment |
With Yao going for SURGERY (caps for dramatic effect…and because it got stuck) and is done for the year, fans everywhere just have that pang in their hearts.
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