First up: BOB DELANEY:

He gets 5 Kobe Bleeding Cuts for blowing the call on Monta Ellis/Derek Fisher flop. I mean, one quick look at the two recent comments on here site and you can tell the Yay Area is not thrilled with the once undercover FBI agent.

You just hate when that happens, which makes us all wonder if that’s why he “quit” the agency (ahem ahem—going something like this:

FBI Director: Hey Bob

Delaney: Yeah?

FBI Director: You know that guy you let go because you thought he wasn’t a gangster?

Delaney: Sure.

FBI Director: Sssssssssss… yeah… we just found out.. he really was a G

Delaney: Oh. He’s good.

FBI Director: You’re fired.

Derek Fisher:

D-Fish gets 3 Bleeding Cuts. Sure he flopped like there’s a national crisis in flop shortage and thought by getting one in would be his version of a stimulus package.

Not so my friend. He did what he had to do to get the win, that’s it. I mean, you wouldn’t do any less for your weekend warriors would you? But there comes a time when integrity begets reputation and perhaps he could have re-done it in a more classier way.

It was nice move though, I gots to admit. That was like a Street Fighter II Turbo, takedown, all he needed was the +25pts and level damage bar with a complete finishing move to go into the bonus car wreaking round.

Philly Beating Boston

Dre Iggy and his band of ragtag misfits gets 1 Bleeding Cheek. I swear to you I have not watched a single Philly game this whole year. Why would I lie to you?

I was under the impression that they’d be the the NBA team equivalent to the great city of Atlantis (side question.. why is it the “CITY” of Atlantis? What country is it from? If there was a country, how come they just moved on like… “Well, there goes Atlantis, better find a detour to get to the in-laws’ place”???)

Anyhow, beating Boston is no small feat when your main arsenal is purely on dunks. Good on you Andre and the team of Phil-A!

ME

Yes yes yes, I must bring myself into the conversation once again.

Why?

Well, you see, I hurt my toe last night.

I got a boo-boo.

It’s serious business.

I think I need to call in a sick day

It looks infected.

Lamar Odom’s Arms

He’s gotta get that checked out pronto! Getting 21 rebounds last night and 22 the previous night. That deserves 4 Bleeding Cheeks.

Either he’s stolen some of the Dwight Howard man juice (yes, now that image isn’t GOING ANYWHERE MUWAHAHAHA) or GSW really need to up its size when they battle the Lakers come playoffs.

Getting boards is hard, I know because I’m a certified expert. My buddy is 5′2 I think, but somehow he always manages to grab missed shots and put it back. I think he cheats a lot, like tiny push offs here and there, but they’re always timely, at the right moment. God I want to punch him for consistently beating us with that.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that: I need to box out more. The end.

Well well well. The Houston Rockets are the feast of the Eas–er–We-a-st? Not matter that failed pun, if it took 22 wins in a row to resurrect my T-Mac love then so be it. Even if we all know the real hero is The Sarcastic Voice That Is The Sound From Jeff Van Gundy’s mouth. It was only a matter of time when I’ve had to put my “real life” on hold and come back to the very thing that I wish life to be: the endless record breaking bliss of basket yonder.

I mean, seriously, who the flip puts up 168 points? Not Flip Saunders or Flip Murray mind you. Not even the Flip Mode Squad. So as we brace for the eventual cranking of the REAL season, please NBA, break the following, once thought humanly impossible, feats:

• Scoring 100 points in a quarter

• An entire game consisting of just dunks

• The Charlotte Bobcats finally gives fans what they want: a match between actual Bobcats

• Melissa Joan Hart sinks 9 shot clock beaters

• And finally: the unprecedented on-the-fly call by referee Derrick Stafford to a penalty play

So, this brings us to Tuesday’s Celtics-Rockets roast. And it’s going to be easy money: Rockets. Forget the Celtics, their charmingly little rise this year cannot get in the way of #2-3. Mac for 59 pts!

What? Salem the Cat was gangsta. (Nick Bakay started the Tale of the Tape!)

Slama-jama-Obama! Illustration: TheHype

When you see the reigning lion running full steam into your defense, do the sensible thing any driver in the mist of the NBA would do: Pull the hand break and jump the fuck out of the car—Jason Statham style.

You do not want to get punked on national tee-vee. In fact, that’s 5 demerit points right there.

Things to look out for in avoiding this:

It’s probably when your team is up or very close in points against this type of road subject that your internal hazard light should flicker. Once you’ve acknowledged that this is the case, hold on tight because the thunder will come down any moment. Be sure to report it to the insurance that it was their fault.

LeBron on Deng [YouTube]

Morning Drive: Where student basketball drivers get to learn their basic theory before approaching daddy’s BMW Z4, because you’ll fuck it up bad, real bad.

The Moon Jumped Over the Cow

Jamario Celebrates Crown With a Mooncake

Moonwalking (NASA Edition) via E.Smitty

Moonwalking (Thriller Edition)

Project Runway

The Full Moonty

SAMMIE: I’ve got to stop this thing!

JACK: NO! Stay above fifty!

ANNIE: We’ve got a wounded, er, injured –

JACK: You slow down and this team will explode!

(Silence)

JACK: There is a bomb with this team. If we slow down. IT’LL BLOW

JACK: If anyone tries to get off (the team via trade), it’ll blow

SAMMIE: This is great. A bomb on hightops.

JACK: Ma’am, um… sir, can you handle this bus, er, team?

SAMMIE: Sure, I can do this. It’s just like driving a really big Pinto.

JACK (not amused) : Can you handle it?

SAMMIE (sighs): I’m fine. What’s the plan? Is there a plan?

JACK (taking a cell phone out): Just for you to drive. We’re okay for now. Just stay above fifty (percent, record-wise)

SAMMIE: You’re a cop, right?

JACK: That’s right.

SAMMIE: Then I should probably tell you: I’m just taking the bus ’cause I had my driver’s license revoked.

JACK: What for?

SAMMIE: Speeding.

(Jack smiles)

SAMMIE: And stealing cats.

…Which of course, means after this post, I’d be gone for another 9 and a half days. So be the fickle nature of life… and the bloody cold.

NBA: I hear Chris Paul is Superman, Batman, Voltron, Phrenium Cadmium Isotope-92 all rolled into one amazing player that is murking the entire Western Conference. The Western Conference! And his Hornets (ironically, they do NOT have horns) have been beating up on their Southwest Division brothers in the Spurs.

Oh, what? He’s not a West All-Star starter? Well then, the only emotion I can convey in response to that is to imitize The Bryon Scott Arms Folding Emotion of Anger.

Webber Is Back In The Bay-Ay: I look forward to the post game interviews. Please please Mr. Commish re-instate the Beer Drinking After Game rule. For all the jumping around the league, C-Webb still has that affect on fans, and opponents (somewhat…whenever he can jump) so it’s nice to see the whole thing come full circle.

What else? The Miami Heat is worse than my nephew’s Toddler League (and he’s only 13 months old!!) It would seem like I love to harp on the Heat (I really do) but it’s just poetic, seeing as how I started this blog so many moons ago during the 06 Finals whereby Riley and Co. were able to “overcome insurmountable obstacles”. When beating Indiana to snap a 15 game L-Streak is the best thing since winning the chip, let’s just call this team lottery worthy shall we?

The Wire: HOLY SHIT. They killed Prop Joe. You bastards. I’d say his death is worse than Butchie’s only because I’ve grown fond of his sage wisdom over the seasons.

Now that’s another incentive for Omar to get the guns blazing. Though, and I don’t know anything since I’m spoiler free, I get the sense that his invincible hit man just might fall down this last season. Paging Brother Mouzone… Paging Brother Mouzone…

Head on over to B.i.E to see the funny basketbloggers chain of hilary!

While I am/was watching the Suns beat/get beaten by the Nets (see, I totally published this ahead of time) … the age old question of Shawn Marion’s unique jump shot comes to mind. As long as it goes in, whatever right? WRONG. Well, not wrong, per se, but my mind’s wild imagination likes to know where else mind Matrix utilize his unique techniques:

At the nursery:

At the nuclear power plant:

And of course, how can you not think about — the Ice Planet Hoth:

Betcha didn’t know he’s this old, but he IS! You know… because of the beard… Too bad we can’t tie it all together now that he’s not anywhere near Mr. 50 Percent this year (though his True Shooting % is around 50) but that doesn’t matter as he totally owned the Celtics last Saturday and beat them again tonight (huge three down the stretch of the game! Truth has the live blog that’s bringing all the boys to the yard.

So good to have the back to back home and home victories. That’s right, the rare B2BH&H holy grail. Even when the Zards were down 12, the flow just was never deflated for them. As soon as they pulled within 5 with still 3mins to go, they knew they were going to win it. Oh boy oh boy… this says a lot about the Celtics too, their defense folds like a rusty tent. Ray Allen is an invisible man. And finally, Caron Butler for LEVEL 3 MVP SECRET PIMPAGE!!!!

Oh and btw, DeShawn is also a LockSmith, the guy is multi-talented I tells ya.

Saving you the trouble… *(Comic Book Guy Voice)* Like, oh my god, the play by play is totally unrealistic. They should be in reverse chronological order. Worst. Parody. Ever.

Mulligan! [NBA.com]