What’d I Give For… The Zards Beheading The King; Rockets To Fly; And Hawks Warrioring The Celtics May 2, 2008
Posted by TheHype in 2008 Playoffs, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Houston Rockets, TV Shows, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards , 1 comment so far |
Listen kids, back in the year 2008, there were these great Eastern Conference first round match ups that took everyone by surprise. Your uncle Barney made legendary bet that if LeBron James AND Kevin Garnett did not make it to the second round, he would hit on Doris Burke.
Now, believe it or not, back before you kids had the ANBCBSPNNFOX sports network that you have today, there was this amazing network called TNT — where they had crappy original shows but for unexplained reasons, their NBA coverage surpasses every single sports show about any sports.
Let’s bring you up to speed: May 2nd, 2008. The Washington Wizards’ legion of fans versus Cleveland’s royalty. Of course LeBron was the easy choice to plow through a measly opponent like the Wizards… as their key stars are just trying to recover while a great role player is invoking a rap war over the hardwood floor.
But you obviously have not been reading up on their mystique (not the WNBA team). This is a team that will do magnificiant damage in the realms of the unseen. This is a team that shall unequivocally push their limits as a collective onto an undeserving royal. They will rise up and make it game seven…because I’m really needing the points in my playoff point.
Undeniably, I’ve been a T-Mac fan 4 lifez. Part of the enduring love and frustration for rooting a marvel such as he is not seeing his failure in the first round exits. Nay. It is our own unfulfilled expectations of superiority for a beast that cannot be defined—Darwin couldn’t draw shit like this.
If it were up to the 12 Gods of Kobol, T-Mac would’ve been ostracized long ago into Cylon kingdom. He’s not one of the pure NBA great. His storyline never changes. Worst of all, he keeps an arsenal of power that will only come out to attack when you least, and inconsequentially, expected. He is a frakking toaster.
But I still root for the guy. Because through his sideway eyes I see myself. One that was destined for greatness but for some reason our GPS gadget broke. We’re in perpetual lost-hood. Until we crawl ourselves out of the cave, there is but one option: faith in the unknown. That is the legend of the right shoulder vein.
As for the old soul Hawks versus the old old Celtics. It will make my heart warm up like the south if Atlanta maintains their idealism by flipping the script. No one gave them a single game. Yet Joe Johnson came to cross up that delusion (what up Leon Powe) by reminding the world he was once untouchable as an original mover of the ‘05 Phoenix Suns team. Let them pass and the world will be in total order. Chaos will be Boston’s street name.
Playoff Predictionales: West Side Story April 18, 2008
Posted by TheHype in 2008 Playoffs, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, New Orleans Hornets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards , add a comment |
Your trusty all winning, all sexy playoff picks for the 2008 NBA Playoffs, as decided by randomly pitting one team’s merchandise versus another. Marketing peeps, I’m your worst nightmare…
WEST
LAKERS’ Color Schemed Honda Element vs. NUGGETS’ Video Game Chair
First all, the Honda Element is the shittiest looking vehicle to have ever vehicled. But I mean, having it yellow does add a little something to it… like as if they were paying tribute to the Beatles. However, on the flip side, the Nuggets soft XBOX approved video gamey chair is just what’s needed when the team gets swept and homers need something to do. LAKERS IN 4.
MAVERICKS’ Potato Head vs. HORNETS’ TV Monitor
Well, the Mavs have a disadvantage here since Mr. Potato face’s toy is the norm for every all the teams. And yet, I can’t let go of the Hornet’s TV having half a basketball for an ass. But, I do love watching TV. HORNETS IN 6.
SPURS’ watch key vs. SUNS’ Girl Bear Cheerleader
Time… that’s all we’re ever worth. And the Spurs don’t have it anymore. And the girly Suns toy is just “bear-ly” legal. AH AHA HAHA HA. SUNS in 6.
JAZZ’s 80s colored Monster Truck vs. ROCKETS’ Cup
Jazz suck. Go McGrady. ROCKETS in 9.
Playoff Predictionales: East Side April 17, 2008
Posted by TheHype in 2008 Playoffs, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, New Orleans Hornets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards , 1 comment so far |
Your trusty all winning, all true playoff picks for the 2008 NBA Playoffs, as decided by randomly pitting one team’s cheerlady versus another. You best hope your team’s dancer’s bio ghostwriter was on their A-game…
EAST
CELTICS’s Haley vs. HAWKS’ Briana in Movie Tastes
Haley says she likes Elf and Pride and Prejudice while Bri is all about the Judd Apatow: Knocked Up, Superbad and Wedding Crashers for good measure. Look Haley, you can like Elf, you can like Pride and Prejudice, but you CANNOT have them both on your bio. HAWKS IN 7.
WIZARD’s Briana vs. CAVALIERS’ ?? in Interesting Facts
Briana loves math and the Cavs can’t even get someone to put a name to their dancers = FACT: Zards in 5
RAPTORS’ Nikki vs. MAGIC’s Lacey in Favorite TV Show
Nikki likes The Hills and Now & Then while Lacey likes King of Queens. Oh fuck this series is going to suck. PUSH
PISTONS’ Chelsea vs. SIXERS’ Amber in Quotes
C. is all about “Pick your battles wisely” while Ambz believes “It’s not luck… it’s talent. Luck is when talent meets opportunity.” So, obviously this resonates with their breakthrough team… thus… Sixer in—ah who am I kidding, Pistons in 2 and a half. Yeah, they’ll make the 76ers forfeit.
…and honest to Pope Benedict, yes I feel a bit pervy. But deep down, don’t we all?
Morning Drive: Get Out Of The Way March 3, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Photoshopery , add a comment |
Slama-jama-Obama! Illustration: TheHypeWatch out!
When you see the reigning lion running full steam into your defense, do the sensible thing any driver in the mist of the NBA would do: Pull the hand break and jump the fuck out of the car—Jason Statham style.
You do not want to get punked on national tee-vee. In fact, that’s 5 demerit points right there.
Things to look out for in avoiding this:
It’s probably when your team is up or very close in points against this type of road subject that your internal hazard light should flicker. Once you’ve acknowledged that this is the case, hold on tight because the thunder will come down any moment. Be sure to report it to the insurance that it was their fault.
LeBron on Deng [YouTube]
Morning Drive: Where student basketball drivers get to learn their basic theory before approaching daddy’s BMW Z4, because you’ll fuck it up bad, real bad.
The All-Extra-Terrestrial Team December 2, 2007
Posted by TheHype in Cleveland Cavaliers, Hype Tube, Los Angeles Clippers, Orlando Magic, TV Shows, Videos , 5 comments |
Sorry, couldn’t find a naked NBA pictures. I know man, I know.
Stephen Colbert’s The Word Previews The NBA Pt.3 October 22, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 07/08 Season Previews, Cleveland Cavaliers, Indiana Pacers, Los Angeles Clippers, Milwaukee Bucks, New Orleans Hornets, Portland Trailblazers, Seattle Supersonics, Washington Wizards , add a comment |
The final week of The WORD Previews (Check out 1 and 2) . Today is Section 3 of the NBA (Sec.4 will come Thursday. Promise. Hugs and kisses) consisting of: Bucks, Pacers, Wizards, Hornets, Cavaliers, Clippers, Trailblazers and SuperSonics.
You know what’s worse than never making the playoffs, or actually making the playoffs each year, but because of the high toxin level of mediocrity, you really aren’t contending? The thing that’s worse than that is making it all the way—to the elite contending level, but then drop off drastically the next year.
Which brings us to today’s Word.
 The Re-Up.
It’s never satisfactory to get to the Playoffs year after year but not making any noise beyond the 3rd quarter hot shooting giving your team a 96-81 lead IN GAME ONE. Because right afterwards, your hopes and dreams are shattered like something that would shatter easily. |
 But perhaps that fate is far more merciful than what the Clippers or Sonics have to endure.
Tearing it up like no one’s businesses, these two clubs revamped their franchises two seasons ago by getting to new heights. What happened after that? Not a peep. The next season was their version of entropy.So it’s with a great concern that Cleveland might go this route as well because of just how lackluster they ended last June. |
 Just ask the Pacers.
They were the best of the East just a few young seasons ago. Now? It’s the Jim O’Brien Show and we’re just watching. Things are cyclical in the world, so the inevitability of the Cavaliers’ fall is almost certain. The one thing you can’t be certain of is something that no one will ever see coming. |
 That’s where the Wacky Wizards come in.
Their team lockerroom chemistry is as spontaneous as leader so just about anything is up for grabs. Hey, there were atop the Eastern Conference for a good two weeks last season. Never saw that coming. Hey, their Big 3 aka THE ENTIRE TEAM got injured and they flailed around into the playoffs. Never saw that coming.So what’s going to happen to them this year? I guess we just all have to watch and find out. |
 And that’s the word
(I just realized I didn’t say much about the three other teams. With good reason: Either they’re too depressing (Portland), too WTF, they still around? (Milwaukee) or just too meh (Hornets) Sorry! |
LeBron James’ Musical Stylings July 4, 2007
Posted by TheHype in Cleveland Cavaliers , 1 comment so far |
Sure it’s inevitable that the Global Icon wants to do a rap record where I’m sure he’ll produce great hits in the with titles such as
“Microsoft Balla”
..uh, uh, call me the Ballin’ Mista,
y’all don’t want me messing wit cha
unless you wanna be upgraded like Windows Vista..
“My World, And My Nikes At My Side ft. Chris Brown”
..yo, I’m a foot soldier
y’all hear me? Check it—
I need my polyurethane bitches!
or the unforgettable
“$100 Million Hustler”
..What you know about that? No seriously, I bet you have no idea what it is to be rich. Suckers!
Now, word up the NBAOU streetz (btw thx Scrap, hadn’t thought of using that!) is that BronBron will be looking to splash the waters on Broadway! YES trust me, I make this up to be true!
It’s going to be a play called “How My Team Aren’t Going to Win Me A Championship Anytime Soon” with showstopping numbers such as “Donyell Marshall Should Be Thrown Down a Well” or “Everyone should kiss Boobies!” and how can you not cheer for the tearjerker “My wifey is preggers but eh, I make more money playing on national tv so that’s that”
And of course, Nathan Lane plays LeBron’s long lost half-brother for waaaacky hijinks!
5 Things To Force Game 5 June 14, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Finals, 2007 Playoffs, Awards, Cleveland Cavaliers, Outrageousness, Photoshopery, San Antonio Spurs , 2 comments |
Unless Moses, Zeus, Vishnu AND Abraham Lincoln all work their mystical wonder witchcraft and save the Cavaliers, there’s no way we’re having a 5th game in these NBA Finals. Such is a sad sad life. However, fear not, there just might be an inkling of chance (re: nah, just playin’) so here are the 5 Signs You Should Watch Out For Tonight, Where We Might Think There Will Be A Game 5 But Not Really, Because That Would Be Cool, And The NBA Finals Aren’t Cool, Oh Am I Still Talking, Fuck, My Bad, Here You Go:
#5: LeBron Dropping 40+ pts
Surely, I believe the correlation so far has been thus: LeBron can’t score in the field to get into a rhythm. So X plus 0.3 grams of suck = the Cavs lose. If we see a barrage of LePoints, we need to smile just a bit and think the game might be won for the City of Cleveland… only to lose yet again in Cleveland for Game 5
#4: Tim Duncan Turns Into A Werewolf And Runs Away
Timmy D has been everything he’s always been: A freakin’ Hall of Famer every minute he’s played in his life and we can’t do anything about it. What we can hope to happen is that he just leaves Game 4 out of nowhere. I don’t even care if tonight isn’t a full moon, someone do some mad science shit: turn him into a werewolf damnit—now, if someone WolfDuncan can still ball, well, we’re fucked.
#3: Drew Gooden’s Hair Patch Emerges As The Cavs Much Needed Next Go-To Man (Thing)
Obviously what’s hurting more than the Spurs choking defense is the fact that the Cavaliers are scared to make a basket. No joke, everytime they think they should score, they have instant night tremors, and they’re not even sleeping! So expect DrewPatch to step up and dunk on Fabricio tonight.
#2: Someone in the crowd takes out Eva Longoria
I’m not a violent person, per se. I’m not sexist… but sorry, having Eva/ABC infiltrate my living room everytime the Spurs are up, I turn into Jack Bauer and John McClane’s lovechild—somebody gonna get a hurt. I propose someone from the UFC, I dunno, I hear that’s thing’s the cocaine of 2007, everyone’s into it. People will be shocked that a guy knocked out Eva Longoria, but if it’s Chuck Liddell, awwww
and the #1 sign there will be a Game 5: Cavs to Win Game 4
Yeah, call me crazy, but I think if they win Game 4, they just might be able to go to Game 5. I’m crazy like that, calling out wild theories and such, people should lock me up for this type of heresy. But mark my words, if they don’t win tonight, I’ll kick every lil’ puppy I see!
…again… I dunno why I’m so violent today, I think it’s the ‘roids I had for breakfast.
Forget Game 4, Bachelor Partay Time! June 13, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Finals, 2007 Playoffs, Awards, Cleveland Cavaliers, Photoshopery, San Antonio Spurs , 4 comments |
Of all the series, why did this one have to be so predicable? Give us some hope, give us more than four games, c’mon, pretty please? Well, guess begging probably won’t work a darn for this Finals. It’s gonna be over on Thursday, LeSigh.
While last night’s Game 3 was much closer and saw the Cavs in an easier state of mind, defensively, with the help of the crowd, their offense just couldn’t handle the Spurs. Nothing easy… nor should it be really. That’s just the reality and level that is the Finals, this isn’t child’s play, you gotta be one hundred percent 100% of the time. Lebron and Co’ never had a real chance in this one—only imagined ones.
So perhaps, in lieu of Game 4, they should just all go out and chill somewhere… relaxing…
Here’s MY Etch A Sketch… Sketch June 11, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Finals, 2007 Playoffs, Cleveland Cavaliers, Photoshopery , 7 comments |
Okay, so I got jealous of George’s sick skillz… and I decided “hey! you’re not better than me!!!” and did the following. You be the judge and see which one of us should have gotten the QUICKEN LOANS sponsor
here is LeBron in the opening minutes of Game 2—very determined and focused! Grr!
then, he picked up his 2nd foul early in the quarter, and now just waiting and watching—still, look deep into his eyes: Determined! GRRs!
here we see LeBron yawning just a little bit… maybe he lost his GRR-ness? no need for concern, he’s gonna be back into the game any second
uhh… Bron? dude… game’s over, Mike Brown never subbed you back in even if ya only had 2 fouls… you might want to home and sleep it off…
Try to explain the West...
