Oh hello there friends. It’s me. Hypey. It’s time I write down some words. This timez, it’s about all the what/ifs happening on the playoff battle arena right now.

As a basketball lover, it pains me to admit with deep regret that I haven’t watched much of the Suns/Spurs deathmatch. You know how I feel about this series. Hell, you know how I felt about this series since the beginning of the season.

What can I say, for the (almost) two years I’ve been keeping down this blog-ish, it’s been wonderous—seeing all the different other maniacs (re: bloggers and fans) come out of the woodwork and get “it”. That “it” meaning the Suns really should be in the Finals because of either Steve Nash’s bliss or Mike D’Antoni’s s’tache or even embracing the joy that is having SHAQ of all people on your side.

Alas, things with me are changing, perspectives and directions are going in different paths that I couldn’t have imagined yet at the same time it was predicted (translation: “life”). The same goes for the Phoenix Suns.

You couldn’t have imagined that they’d be down 0-3. But still, it was the Spurs they were facing. Who else would give them the proper pressure? Yeah, they got 1 win now, but who’s to say in the next 24hrs they have an altering experience that renders them completely changed at the molecular level. Hell yeah I’m implying they might turn into the X-Men.

In the spirit of hoping they do something special, this is what I would give for the Suns to win it all, be the first team down three games to none and win the series:

– give up on kicking innocent puppies

– giving up on eating badly and eat more veggies

– give up my mutant first-born

– give up to Prince, completely (I mean, I’m like a whatever music guy, but Prince + Creep? that shit is hot)

– and most importantly: see Iron Man

WEST

LAKERS’ Color Schemed Honda Element vs. NUGGETS’ Video Game Chair

First all, the Honda Element is the shittiest looking vehicle to have ever vehicled. But I mean, having it yellow does add a little something to it… like as if they were paying tribute to the Beatles. However, on the flip side, the Nuggets soft XBOX approved video gamey chair is just what’s needed when the team gets swept and homers need something to do. LAKERS IN 4.

MAVERICKS’ Potato Head vs. HORNETS’ TV Monitor

Well, the Mavs have a disadvantage here since Mr. Potato face’s toy is the norm for every all the teams. And yet, I can’t let go of the Hornet’s TV having half a basketball for an ass. But, I do love watching TV. HORNETS IN 6.

SPURS’ watch key vs. SUNS’ Girl Bear Cheerleader

Time… that’s all we’re ever worth. And the Spurs don’t have it anymore. And the girly Suns toy is just “bear-ly” legal. AH AHA HAHA HA. SUNS in 6.

JAZZ’s 80s colored Monster Truck vs. ROCKETS’ Cup

Jazz suck. Go McGrady. ROCKETS in 9.

EAST

CELTICS’s Haley vs. HAWKS’ Briana in Movie Tastes

Haley says she likes Elf and Pride and Prejudice while Bri is all about the Judd Apatow: Knocked Up, Superbad and Wedding Crashers for good measure. Look Haley, you can like Elf, you can like Pride and Prejudice, but you CANNOT have them both on your bio. HAWKS IN 7.

WIZARD’s Briana vs. CAVALIERS’ ?? in Interesting Facts

Briana loves math and the Cavs can’t even get someone to put a name to their dancers = FACT: Zards in 5

RAPTORS’ Nikki vs. MAGIC’s Lacey in Favorite TV Show

Nikki likes The Hills and Now & Then while Lacey likes King of Queens. Oh fuck this series is going to suck. PUSH

PISTONS’ Chelsea vs. SIXERS’ Amber in Quotes

C. is all about “Pick your battles wisely” while Ambz believes “It’s not luck… it’s talent. Luck is when talent meets opportunity.” So, obviously this resonates with their breakthrough team… thus… Sixer in—ah who am I kidding, Pistons in 2 and a half. Yeah, they’ll make the 76ers forfeit.

…and honest to Pope Benedict, yes I feel a bit pervy. But deep down, don’t we all?

In what seem to be a coincidental annual thing here, I’m live blogging an end of season game that means big bucks for the teams involved.

I really want the Beard to win. Let’s see how this baby flies shan’t we?

1st Q:

– So that we’re clear, the Warrior’s equipment manager totally messed with Melo’s breathaliser right?

– Thunder Dan got one too many thunder tans (ba da ching!)

– Shaq’s old and slow and fat and all that, but he can still intimidate a player to lose the ball as they go up for a shot (ahem Monta)

– Fact: this game already has 13 trillion layups

– Okay some tall guy not named Bierdrins just vaccumed Barbosa’s shot. I’d buy a ticket back to Brazil if that happened to me. Fuck it, I’d still want to go to Brazil regardless.

– Broadcast team hyping “planetorange.net” as a social network/blog community thingy…verdict: it’s ugly.

– Grant Hill wants to score really bad guys. Like, bad.

2nd Q:

– 33-30 with Pietrius getting the and1. Psst, it’s a little late for the MVP

– Diaw’s strategy tonight: get the ball from Hill, drive, pass it back to Hill (if Hill passes back to Diaw, he’ll still give it back)

– Uh, that going 90mph Grant Hill thing just kinda stopped short here…looks like he pulled something

– he’s still hanging around though, a good signage

– Ellis is a freak.

– Lemme clarify: Dude could be a leaner more explosive Chris Paul because he basically thought “hey, I want to get to point B and finish with [such and such] shot” and does it. HE’S A FREAKING GRASSHOPPER

– New place to get pen name if ever I move to Hollywood — the spam box: “Elywn Bartholomew”

– Oh, right: 65-52 with 2mins left in the half.

– I imagine as Nash threads another sick pass to a tomahawking Amare, Shaq gets up and cheers uproariously—until Brian Skinner whispers in his ear: “big fella, that wasn’t you…you’re still on the bench”. To which Shaq dies a little inside.

3rd Queue:

– Down 13, battling for their playoff (spot) lives and Baron isn’t on. WHAT UP?

– Ooooooh, so it’s a lane violation when Shaq hits a FT… haters.

– Act’n Jack’n wants to be a hero!! Yay my hero!! 78-73

– Related note: now, whenever I hit a 3 pointer at the gym, my mind will only mentally register it as 2 points, then the additional 1 will only come up along a SOUTHWEST AIRLINES ad.

– Grant Hill’s strained groin update, brought to you by SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

– Baron Davis’s ‘tude is upsetting Nellie’s beer belly, sponsored by SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

– SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

– 82-80 without BDiddy. Methinks this means that I have to start a sentence without “Methinks”

– 82-82!!

– STEPHEN JACKSON FOR VICE-PRESIDENT. Your call Obama.

– At this point, I’d just like this 94-86 3rd quarter end. Just like that. You know? Don’t want to spoil a good thing. Like that very sweet strawberry, once you had that, you don’t want another one that might not be quite as good.

4th Quail

– If someone doesn’t spontaneously combust in this last quarter then I’ll be a mad customer.

– Wow! Back to back plays with Shaq getting a perfect lob and then Pietrius answers back…yet the only thing feel more important is that cute girl next to the baseline camera man taking a sip of water.

– Telling that not only is Baron not in the game, but you can’t even see him with the rest of the players on the bench

– Apologies, 107-101 as Amare swims for a dunk.

– 109-107 as the Warriors need to out start Worrioring

– 109-109 and1 for STAT…Baron Baron Baron

– Oh.. oh oh..

– C’est finis…sucks that the Bay Area crowd can’t be hyphed in the postseason…

Shaq’s smiles for the cameras … as the action is
happening on the other end of the floor

If only Bynum is in this as well, then we’d get our money’s worth of a smackdown for the ages. God I hope to … er, god, that they match up in the Playoffs.

Here’s what you need to look out for in tonight’s game (because I won’t be watching: seriously, I’m gonna be at a pickup game… pfft, don’t look at me that way! Those legs aren’t going to work out themselves!)

* That puke you see in front of you as you see Shaq check in? That’s the realization at how ugly he looks in a PHX jersey

* Kobe will distribute like crazy up until the 3rd… that’s when he’ll want to dunk on Shaq’s nose everytime

* Nash will throw an alley-oop to Shaq in the same way as he always have for Shawn Marion — but it goes horribly wrong: Shaq totally forgot what a dunk is… and just throws it at security guard

* For once, Phil Jackson will look animated, but that could be the constipation

* For once, Mike D’Antoni will look calm and reserved, even Zen-like—oops sorry, the camera was still on Phil, ESPN just put up the wrong name caption

* Hubie Brown will say: “NOW, the ref saw it differently…” which totally means “fucking dumbass call”

* Finally, I will have blown a breakaway layup and get taunted by my teammates. It’s uncanny.

I’m asking, because somehow, Steve Kerr got locked inside the toilet over the weekend someone and shut the lights on him. When he came out, disoriented, he said… “I need… [cough cough] I need… a limited edition movie poster of Gremlins… and oh yeah… [cough cough cough] Shaq”

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!

Only three thing’s for sure:

1) Shaq looks horrible in orange

2) We haven’t played “Shaq” at optimum since we hacked NBA 2k4

3) The Stephen Colbert, Conan O’Brien and Jon Stewart festi-brawl was television orgasm.

Scenarios That Can Play Out Now:

The Dream Scenarios: File these under the same dreams as “getting a personal massage from Summer Glau and Autumn Reeser at the same time (hehehe Summer and Autumn…)”

• The Suns defeat the Spurs and is largely due to Shaq being the only person, er, object large enough to sustain Tim Duncan

• The Suns then meet the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. But again, grand-papa Shaq knocks the Euro out of Gasol-ina and Kazaams the shit out of Andrew Bynum to make it a round-about-way final middle finger to the Lakers (even though every’s moved past this, but ESPN will remind us anyway)

• … that’s it

The Un-Dream Scenarios: File these next to Freddy Krueger’s hat

• Shaq can’t keep up to play more than 20mins a game, which, as the Suns lost Shawn Marion, is shitcakes

• So you lost an All-Star runner, 3 pointer and rebounder, but in return you got…someone that can share stories with Kerr about how to clean their Chip Rings.

• … that’s it… but really, can any of this be good?

While I am/was watching the Suns beat/get beaten by the Nets (see, I totally published this ahead of time) … the age old question of Shawn Marion’s unique jump shot comes to mind. As long as it goes in, whatever right? WRONG. Well, not wrong, per se, but my mind’s wild imagination likes to know where else mind Matrix utilize his unique techniques:

At the nursery:

At the nuclear power plant:

And of course, how can you not think about — the Ice Planet Hoth:

Moments When I Feel Like The League Hates Me: last night. Because I had no access to those two hawwt games. Judging just by the final scores I know one of these things happened: Steve Nash hits daggers and passes; Iverson gets an impossible lay-up, Baron dunks on someone, and Manu’s bald spot makes a 3 pointer.

Yet I had to miss it all. OH SIGH-ness!

On the other hand, I read some pretty awesome blog posts, check ‘em:

– T.A.I. has a great recap of The Wire. More, more!

– Holy crap Steve Nash lives in Xanadu!

– Mike Tillery has an amazingly (and long… or amazingly long) feature about passing the torch. I need to clear my schedule to finish that.

– YAYsports is apparently back with a vengeance against all things either real or unreal with a Carny to boot

OK.

So he looks like a doofus here is really what I’m aiming the entire post to be. But on a related tip, they murked the Sonics by coming back strong after being down a bunch. Which is important to somebody somewhere seeing that it’s the Sonics and we’re just 4 days into January.

Elsewheres, there’s a fun NBA Blogger All-Star voting thing at Hardwood Paroxysm. It’s “fun” because I have a nomination (SEE MOTHER!) and though the category I’m in makes it’s 100% impossible for me to upset the other noms, I’ll just go ahead and dream that I’m the winner already.

If you feel you can make that dream come true, please, by all means, place a vote or 20. No shame here… only vanity.