What’d I Give For… The Zards Beheading The King; Rockets To Fly; And Hawks Warrioring The Celtics May 2, 2008
Posted by TheHype in 2008 Playoffs, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Houston Rockets, TV Shows, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards , 1 comment so far |
Listen kids, back in the year 2008, there were these great Eastern Conference first round match ups that took everyone by surprise. Your uncle Barney made legendary bet that if LeBron James AND Kevin Garnett did not make it to the second round, he would hit on Doris Burke.
Now, believe it or not, back before you kids had the ANBCBSPNNFOX sports network that you have today, there was this amazing network called TNT — where they had crappy original shows but for unexplained reasons, their NBA coverage surpasses every single sports show about any sports.
Let’s bring you up to speed: May 2nd, 2008. The Washington Wizards’ legion of fans versus Cleveland’s royalty. Of course LeBron was the easy choice to plow through a measly opponent like the Wizards… as their key stars are just trying to recover while a great role player is invoking a rap war over the hardwood floor.
But you obviously have not been reading up on their mystique (not the WNBA team). This is a team that will do magnificiant damage in the realms of the unseen. This is a team that shall unequivocally push their limits as a collective onto an undeserving royal. They will rise up and make it game seven…because I’m really needing the points in my playoff point.
Undeniably, I’ve been a T-Mac fan 4 lifez. Part of the enduring love and frustration for rooting a marvel such as he is not seeing his failure in the first round exits. Nay. It is our own unfulfilled expectations of superiority for a beast that cannot be defined—Darwin couldn’t draw shit like this.
If it were up to the 12 Gods of Kobol, T-Mac would’ve been ostracized long ago into Cylon kingdom. He’s not one of the pure NBA great. His storyline never changes. Worst of all, he keeps an arsenal of power that will only come out to attack when you least, and inconsequentially, expected. He is a frakking toaster.
But I still root for the guy. Because through his sideway eyes I see myself. One that was destined for greatness but for some reason our GPS gadget broke. We’re in perpetual lost-hood. Until we crawl ourselves out of the cave, there is but one option: faith in the unknown. That is the legend of the right shoulder vein.
As for the old soul Hawks versus the old old Celtics. It will make my heart warm up like the south if Atlanta maintains their idealism by flipping the script. No one gave them a single game. Yet Joe Johnson came to cross up that delusion (what up Leon Powe) by reminding the world he was once untouchable as an original mover of the ‘05 Phoenix Suns team. Let them pass and the world will be in total order. Chaos will be Boston’s street name.
Playoff Predictionales: West Side Story April 18, 2008
Posted by TheHype in 2008 Playoffs, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, New Orleans Hornets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards , add a comment |
Your trusty all winning, all sexy playoff picks for the 2008 NBA Playoffs, as decided by randomly pitting one team’s merchandise versus another. Marketing peeps, I’m your worst nightmare…
WEST
LAKERS’ Color Schemed Honda Element vs. NUGGETS’ Video Game Chair
First all, the Honda Element is the shittiest looking vehicle to have ever vehicled. But I mean, having it yellow does add a little something to it… like as if they were paying tribute to the Beatles. However, on the flip side, the Nuggets soft XBOX approved video gamey chair is just what’s needed when the team gets swept and homers need something to do. LAKERS IN 4.
MAVERICKS’ Potato Head vs. HORNETS’ TV Monitor
Well, the Mavs have a disadvantage here since Mr. Potato face’s toy is the norm for every all the teams. And yet, I can’t let go of the Hornet’s TV having half a basketball for an ass. But, I do love watching TV. HORNETS IN 6.
SPURS’ watch key vs. SUNS’ Girl Bear Cheerleader
Time… that’s all we’re ever worth. And the Spurs don’t have it anymore. And the girly Suns toy is just “bear-ly” legal. AH AHA HAHA HA. SUNS in 6.
JAZZ’s 80s colored Monster Truck vs. ROCKETS’ Cup
Jazz suck. Go McGrady. ROCKETS in 9.
Playoff Predictionales: East Side April 17, 2008
Posted by TheHype in 2008 Playoffs, Atlanta Hawks, Boston Celtics, Cleveland Cavaliers, Dallas Mavericks, Denver Nuggets, Detroit Pistons, Houston Rockets, Los Angeles Lakers, New Orleans Hornets, Orlando Magic, Philadelphia 76ers, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Toronto Raptors, Utah Jazz, Washington Wizards , 1 comment so far |
Your trusty all winning, all true playoff picks for the 2008 NBA Playoffs, as decided by randomly pitting one team’s cheerlady versus another. You best hope your team’s dancer’s bio ghostwriter was on their A-game…
EAST
CELTICS’s Haley vs. HAWKS’ Briana in Movie Tastes
Haley says she likes Elf and Pride and Prejudice while Bri is all about the Judd Apatow: Knocked Up, Superbad and Wedding Crashers for good measure. Look Haley, you can like Elf, you can like Pride and Prejudice, but you CANNOT have them both on your bio. HAWKS IN 7.
WIZARD’s Briana vs. CAVALIERS’ ?? in Interesting Facts
Briana loves math and the Cavs can’t even get someone to put a name to their dancers = FACT: Zards in 5
RAPTORS’ Nikki vs. MAGIC’s Lacey in Favorite TV Show
Nikki likes The Hills and Now & Then while Lacey likes King of Queens. Oh fuck this series is going to suck. PUSH
PISTONS’ Chelsea vs. SIXERS’ Amber in Quotes
C. is all about “Pick your battles wisely” while Ambz believes “It’s not luck… it’s talent. Luck is when talent meets opportunity.” So, obviously this resonates with their breakthrough team… thus… Sixer in—ah who am I kidding, Pistons in 2 and a half. Yeah, they’ll make the 76ers forfeit.
…and honest to Pope Benedict, yes I feel a bit pervy. But deep down, don’t we all?
Stephen Colbert’s The Word Previews The NBA Pt.4 October 27, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 07/08 Season Previews, Charlotte Bobcats, Los Angeles Lakers, Memphis Grizzlies, New York Knicks, Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Utah Jazz , add a comment |
The finality of The Word previews concludes today (a couple days late… drinking will do that to you…) so revisit the amusement park parts 1, part 2 and part trez. On today’s slot contains various thoughts on NBA’s SECTION 4: the Bobcats, Lakers, GrizzNutzz, the Knicks, 76ers, da Kings and the Jazzies.
To cop Jim Dale for a minute: the facts are these — while 5 of the 7 teams in here fourth section truly don’t even come close to have a chance to matter in the playoffs. BUT they will be unbelievably entertaining every time they’re on the teevee screen. It’s the Law of We Have No Idea What They’ll Do. Which brings us to today’s Word:
 Darkhorse.
Yup. It’s a known fact with 30 teams competing for a title there’s bound to be 29 teams that will lose (I used a calculator to figure that one out). So with those “bad” teams, we only have one recourse. That is to guess which one can, beyond any reasonable logic, rip the league to shreds like the Warriors have last year. Just one look at the Bobstars and the Grizzlies we should all think of one thing: |
 Spontaneous Combustion.
The ‘Cats import of Jason Richardson, the uprising of Walter Herrmann (2 Rs 2 Ns bitches!) and an absent Morrison means absolute reckless abandon. The Grizz can finally start the 06 season, a year late, with Gasol finally back and having an extra Spaniard who can shoot on his side. Also adding to their venom is the PHX Sun coach set to spill the beans on how to run. These two are the positive examples, while the Knicks and the Lakers… |
 That’s right Bullet.
These guys are a must watch if only because you can’t not watch what’s going to happen. For the Knicks, you really want to them to win so that we’ll create an Anomaly Award for the next generation. For the Lakers, you’re going to be zoned into every sweat gland of Kobe and just see how much he’ll gun away to spite his boss or how much he’ll gun away to spite his boss. There is no spoon. But sure, these teams may be a joke, but the same can’t be said about the Jazz. |
 That’s a winning team right there.
Sloan, the ever immortal coach much like Arvin Sloan of Alias molded the young pups into a scrappy fighter that won’t let down for 13 rounds. The only thing that’s missing is that one sure thing that can catapult them from a sure win to a sure “close”. Just ask Tim Duncan the difference. Now on to the enigmas of this enigmatic section. The Kings and the Sixers. I truly don’t know what to say about these two squard. |
 Because they haven’t given me much to talk about.
The Kings, once a proud member of the Playoffs society is now trying to straddle the “new culture” line (Theus, Martin) while keeping around relics of their past dominance (Bibby). It’s hard to decide how much you want to root for them when they themselves aren’t rooted in an identity. And finally, the Sixers. Oh boy. Iggy, you my man, I wish you all the luck and hope you destroy the league one day… I guess what I’m trying to say is, good luck buddy, you’ll need it. |
 And that’s the word. Mmm, delicious word… |
Breaking News: David Stern Hates Your Silly Dreams May 16, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Playoffs, Golden State Warriors, Outrageousness, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz , 2 comments |
The Suns… I don’t think they’ll ever get to the Finals without an alien invasion taking place in America West Arena. Joe Johnson one year, Amare/Raja the next, then Amare/Diaw this year. David Stern, as great as he is, sometimes becomes so pragmatic and draconian to me. I bet he thinks the NBA offices are the Jedi temple and everything they believe in should be “the way”.
You know what happened Dave? Anakin Skywalker turning into Darth Vader because of his hatred of the restraint of the elders. Steve Nash will turn evil because of you! It’s come to making nerdy references dude.
That said, I believe they’ll pull off the upset Wednesday (well, tonight… it’s 2am of the day as I’m writing this… so…) Why? Because I’m crazy and Charles Barkley’s passionate yammering against the rule have made the situation better to me. And that makes me have faith. When the Round Mound of 300 Pounds calls out the league, all’s good in that world.
Love how Ernie used the town bell to break up the continuous, looping debate. It can’t be said enough how great Inside the NBA is.
Oh and uh… the national darlings are done. I dunno man, I wish the Warriors wouldn’t have gone out in that hot headed way (how many techs were there). But at the same time, it’s that same emotion that fuels Oakland’s surge—ripping the heart out of Dirk, literally. So it’s a push and… well, I digress.
Doug Collins, as Stephen Jackson gives Jerry Sloan a hug: “I like that.”
I’M SURE YOU DO DOUG!
Rapid Fire: Vince’s Pinky; AK’s Ass Face; Walker Starting and N’Dong May 14, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Playoffs, Cleveland Cavaliers, Golden State Warriors, Injuries, Miami Heat, New Jersey Nets, Photoshopery, Trades, Utah Jazz , 4 comments |
Man, I thought Golden State would never lose at home — that’s the contract they signed wasn’t it? Damn, I don’t want to say the Warriors are done…… but…… the Warriors are done. Sorry my dear dear Bay Area pals (you know who you are) but the Jazz aren’t Dallas Choke-vericks.
They’ve got Acne Boozer; Turtle D-Williams, Mr. Roboto #47 and Okur. The only other place you’d find that eclectic mix of culture and race in one place is during a drug deal (my frame of reference only extend to stereotypical blockbuster action films and not real life). Last night, if anything was another typical Jazz game. They kept doing their thing and got their win.
Warriors, of course, tried to keep doing their thing, just this time the shots weren’t falling. If it did, I’m sure the series would’ve been 2-2 now. But alas, such is why a dream cannot be continued.
Andrei Kirilenko, please summarize your thoughts:
“People go all crazy,” Kirilenko said. “You dunk on me, OK, next time I’m still going to try to block your shot again. “It’s a different mentality. Guys try to put their ass in your face or say something. I’m not intimidated by that stuff.”
Thank you wordsmith. 
VC15, trapped in the closet (R.Kelly don’t rape sue me)
In other Playoffs news
Vincent Lamar Carter apparently had an ouchie with his vagina pinky finger in Game 3 against the Cavaliers:
Vince Carter’s left pinkie knuckle, bruised in Game 3, was wrapped yesterday. But he said “It’s not broken, so I can play.”
Yeah? You can? GREAT. VC’s little boo-boo notwithstanding, I think the LeBrons will take this game tonight. It’s cool and all for Jason Kidd to remember he can shoot from the outside again, ditto for Jefferson getting his, but the sooner this series end, the better it will be on our souls.
In other OTHER Playoff news, the Phoenix Suns try not to fall into oblivion. What I’m saying is that if they lose tonight, and go down 3-1, it would make my NBA fandom very sad. Suns making it to the Finals this year means so much for me. It would mean that the NBA has room for all types of champion styles; it would mean that for once, I team I rooted for from beginning to end of season could go all the way; it would mean awesomeness. For all the great things D’Antoni, Nash, Marion, Stoudamire has given us, I feel it’s for nothing and another year gone of Nash’s greatness. Gawd, fucking Spurs.
Loose Change
He’s fat. And a big baby.– Antoine Walker believes he can have his cake and eat 600 of them too!
Heat forward Antoine Walker — due $8.5 and $9.3 million the next two years — said he ”definitely” plans to speak to Pat Riley about his desire to be a starter, if he’s not traded. ”I play better as a starter. For me to be an effective player in this system, there’s a certain way you have to play. We’ve got to balance out this attack.”
Riiiight. There are 5 things wrong in that last statement. But I be classy and not joke of them. Nope. I won’t connect the obvious joke of the words “balance”; “Walker”; “can’t”; and “fat”. No sir, not here!
– And finally, a request to my Spanish readers, help me out: what’s going on in this page, and specifically, shed light on Mr. Boniface N’Dong PLEASE. That is front runner for best name in the history of the world.
Jazz Bandwagon Starts … Now May 10, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Playoffs, Golden State Warriors, Utah Jazz , 4 comments |
Hoooooot! What a game huh. I totally agree with Chuck on Inside the NBA when he said the Jazz are amazing to watch (or something like that…) even though most of the basketball world has now been infatuated with the Golden State Warriors’ giant-killer charisma.
Here’s why I’m loving how the U.J. plays: they run their plays so surgically precise it makes Dr. McDreamy look like a freakin retard — and he’s one of the top neurosurgeons in the country (of a TV show… I know I know…)!! Awkwardly segueing from that, with sincere apologies for crassness— big ups to Derek Fisher’s strong will and heart. Hearing about his daughter… I can only imagine how stressful it must’ve been on his mind. And great of him to let others know of his personal situation so that other families don’t suffer.
So is it time to jump on the bandwagon? I say yes. Sure the one bandwagon I’m on currently is nice and comfy–that of the Dubs, but these Jazz are actually pretty fun to watch as well. AK47 and his mechanical movements (seriously, watching him dribble side to side was cracking me up, even robots emote more human characteristics) as well his S.W.A.T. Parties are a joy to witness. Boozer and his acne have such amazing lowpost moves. Memo and his wife, AND his 3pt shot already had me a long time ago, but it’s worth repeating that the man is clutch. MEMO 4 MVP!
As for the WARRIARz! Man, that’s just how the cookie crumbles eh. They had that game, but watching the game, you could tell the Jazz weren’t letting it go, almost like the win was theirs in the first place. I’m loving how the crowd looks so uniform now, all wearing powder blue, very NCAA feel and it really brings up the atmosphere, even as I was watching it from TV.
I’m loving these Playoffs so far, and to quoth my pasty sharp shooter turned superhero analyst Steve Kerr:
Last thing, I swear. Let’s give the NBA’s rules committee its due because the rules changes from the past four or five years have dramatically improved the quality of the game. No more wrestling and holding. No more walking the ball up and isolating players on one side of the floor. No more 7-foot stiffs who can’t play but who can clog the lane. The game is great right now, and the league deserves a lot of credit for that.
Here here. I would say next on the list is making the crowds turn into European-like crazies. I mean, GState is halfway there, but I want to see giant flags and a theme song that the crowd can break out any moment! Who’s with me??
A Phone Call With KG & T-Mac May 6, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Playoffs, Houston Rockets, Injuries, Minnesota Timberwoves, Utah Jazz , 3 comments |
May 5th: Houston Rockets got edged out by Utah Jazz in the 1st Round of the 2007 Playoffs. It is also T-Mac’s millionth early exit… making his fans (whoever’s still openly admits to being one) very sad all over again. The following is the transcript of a phone call that we at the Unrelatedness obtained through illegal wiretap “special” ways:
[*riiiiiiiiiing......riiiiiiiiing*]
*whimper* Ahhhh. *sigh*
[*riiiiiiiiiing......riiiiiiiiing*---click---phone picked up]
uh… he… hello?
YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO
um… KG, that you…?
Look man, I just wanted to say: I’ve been there. It’s NOT YOUR FAULT.
[off to the side] I know.
Listen to me, it’s not your fault.
[serious] I know.
No you don’t, it’s not your fault.
Fuck man. Kev, for that last time, stop that Good Will Hunting shit! I think you have a problem.
…
[...]
I’m… I’m sorry… it was on TV last night… um.. talk to you later?
Whatever. You’re such a geek sometimes.
It’s A Jazzabration February 14, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 All Star Game, Awards, Hype Shirts, Phoenix Suns, Utah Jazz , 7 comments |
This is going to be like the 4th straight post I’ve at least mentioned Memo Okur, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. In lieu of yesterday’s announcement of his All-Star joinage, and after thinking long and hard about this: I’m starting an MVP campaign for Okur… surely Boozer deserves more consideration, but eff-that, I’m not going by that logic. Check it—
And if you want to join this campaign of epic proportions, please show it off to the world by wearing it all over your bodies over at the new Hype Store: Gears of Clothing
Here are a few examples, but there are a ton of other colors to select from. Be sure to check back from time to time up on the new tab next to the Toons called “!Shirts!” to see new ish!
I’m also happy to spotlight a new shirt that a certain someone has been bugging kindly helping me out with a special request (kinda Need4Sheed-esque, but I totally didn’t intend for that to happen, love Natalie’s stuff though!):
Also, not very NBA related, but because this is pretty much me most of the time:
There are also two designs transferred from the old CafePress store that some of you may remember as well. Don’t worry, that ol’ CafePress baby of a store will be up forever, if anything, to commemorate one of the bigger events of this blog (yes yes, you’ve all seen it a lot by now… sorry! I’m working on making a shirt and getting it to Chaka Khan soon!)
So yeah, go check out the some of the new stock over at The GoC!
Pay Up: Mehmet Okur Is An All-Star February 13, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 All Star Game, Utah Jazz , add a comment |
Breaking news (not that I’m doing anything breaking.. or news-ing..):
From the glorious Temples Of NBA.com:
LAS VEGAS, February 13, 2007 – Ray Allen of the Seattle SuperSonics and Mehmet Okur of the Utah Jazz have been named by NBA Commissioner David Stern as a replacements for injured West All-Stars Allen Iverson (ankle) of the Denver Nuggets and Steve Nash (shoulder) of the Phoenix Suns for the 2007 NBA All-Star Game on Sunday, February 18 in Las Vegas. Chris Paul of the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets will replace Nash in the Playstation Skills Challenge.
The PlayStation Skills Challenge will be televised live nationally as part of the NBA All-Star Saturday Night, which will also feature the Foot Locker Three-Point Shootout, Sprite Rising Stars Slam Dunk and Haier Shooting Stars. TNT and ESPN Radio’s national coverage will begin at 8 p.m. EST from the Thomas & Mack Center. The NBA All-Star Game on Sunday, Feb. 18, will air live on TNT, ESPN Radio and in more than 200 countries and territories worldwide.
Hah, that’s the entire press release, don’t even click on the link! Oh and ya ya, congrats to Jesus Shuttleworth as well. Just like I drew it up (’pun’ shamelessly intended)! I should anoint more Official Unrelatedness Player of The Year I’m so good (you hear that Iggy? step up cous!) So it’s all good Seth, we can watch again, and the West will win! EDIT: OOtahjazzblog.net beat me by a mile… and a continent (*cries in bed*)
To mark this is freaking awesome occasion, I have something fun coming, check back tomolo! It’s way better than all that Amaechi/Anna Nicole Smith/Obama silly “news” going on!
PS: The newest, hottest, flyest mixtape to date: TrueHoop – from Henry Abbott feat. ESPN yaaaa it’s a banger!
