Now I don’t have the techno-gadgetry of say AA or Odenized, so you’ll just have to believe me. Or, if those two spots have it, believe them when they upload it.

A little under 11mins in the 3rd with the Hornets totally owning the Spurs, David West made an awesome move on Horry and scored down low. Afterwards, there was a little shoving after the fact by West, to which he got T-ed up.

He couldn’t believe it and was spouting unbelievably at the call. Chris Paul was right on him to which (thank the TNT Camera People Gods) we got a clear look at his words:

“Yeah yeah, I know. FUCK. HIM.”

I can’t say anything else other than: Chris Paul, I think I want your babies.

ps: Marv Albert said something to the effect that Paul was trying to calm his teammate down by saying ‘ relax’ and even showed the replay of Paul & West convo… I still think my version is better.

Now, believe it or not, back before you kids had the ANBCBSPNNFOX sports network that you have today, there was this amazing network called TNT — where they had crappy original shows but for unexplained reasons, their NBA coverage surpasses every single sports show about any sports.

Let’s bring you up to speed: May 2nd, 2008. The Washington Wizards’ legion of fans versus Cleveland’s royalty. Of course LeBron was the easy choice to plow through a measly opponent like the Wizards… as their key stars are just trying to recover while a great role player is invoking a rap war over the hardwood floor.

But you obviously have not been reading up on their mystique (not the WNBA team). This is a team that will do magnificiant damage in the realms of the unseen. This is a team that shall unequivocally push their limits as a collective onto an undeserving royal. They will rise up and make it game seven…because I’m really needing the points in my playoff point.

Undeniably, I’ve been a T-Mac fan 4 lifez. Part of the enduring love and frustration for rooting a marvel such as he is not seeing his failure in the first round exits. Nay. It is our own unfulfilled expectations of superiority for a beast that cannot be defined—Darwin couldn’t draw shit like this.

If it were up to the 12 Gods of Kobol, T-Mac would’ve been ostracized long ago into Cylon kingdom. He’s not one of the pure NBA great. His storyline never changes. Worst of all, he keeps an arsenal of power that will only come out to attack when you least, and inconsequentially, expected. He is a frakking toaster.

But I still root for the guy. Because through his sideway eyes I see myself. One that was destined for greatness but for some reason our GPS gadget broke. We’re in perpetual lost-hood. Until we crawl ourselves out of the cave, there is but one option: faith in the unknown. That is the legend of the right shoulder vein.

As for the old soul Hawks versus the old old Celtics. It will make my heart warm up like the south if Atlanta maintains their idealism by flipping the script. No one gave them a single game. Yet Joe Johnson came to cross up that delusion (what up Leon Powe) by reminding the world he was once untouchable as an original mover of the ‘05 Phoenix Suns team. Let them pass and the world will be in total order. Chaos will be Boston’s street name.

[Stan Van Gundy]
Goodbye, goodbye-ee-eye
Leggy Bosh
Every game I look
across the hardwood floor
There you were
Your shorts down to your legs
And your legs down to the floor.

Leggy Bosh goodbye, goodbye.
Now that you are gone I’ll never see you here on your bench chair
Wish you knew how much I loved your legs and your hair
Leggy Bosh goodbye, goodbye

(more…)

Oh hello there friends. It’s me. Hypey. It’s time I write down some words. This timez, it’s about all the what/ifs happening on the playoff battle arena right now.

As a basketball lover, it pains me to admit with deep regret that I haven’t watched much of the Suns/Spurs deathmatch. You know how I feel about this series. Hell, you know how I felt about this series since the beginning of the season.

What can I say, for the (almost) two years I’ve been keeping down this blog-ish, it’s been wonderous—seeing all the different other maniacs (re: bloggers and fans) come out of the woodwork and get “it”. That “it” meaning the Suns really should be in the Finals because of either Steve Nash’s bliss or Mike D’Antoni’s s’tache or even embracing the joy that is having SHAQ of all people on your side.

Alas, things with me are changing, perspectives and directions are going in different paths that I couldn’t have imagined yet at the same time it was predicted (translation: “life”). The same goes for the Phoenix Suns.

You couldn’t have imagined that they’d be down 0-3. But still, it was the Spurs they were facing. Who else would give them the proper pressure? Yeah, they got 1 win now, but who’s to say in the next 24hrs they have an altering experience that renders them completely changed at the molecular level. Hell yeah I’m implying they might turn into the X-Men.

In the spirit of hoping they do something special, this is what I would give for the Suns to win it all, be the first team down three games to none and win the series:

– give up on kicking innocent puppies

– giving up on eating badly and eat more veggies

– give up my mutant first-born

– give up to Prince, completely (I mean, I’m like a whatever music guy, but Prince + Creep? that shit is hot)

– and most importantly: see Iron Man

The idea is to do something about it. Stop watching that ugh team and go outside for once. I have found a very good idea as to what to do. Be an undercover spy. Specifically, be Bob Delaney. Yar, many moons ago we already knew Bobby was a snitch, yet it’s always compelling to think that one day, whilst calling a 3 second violation on the LA Clippers, it turns out to be an all out FBI raid signal for a drug bust. We all knew David Stern was a kingpin.

There’s another reason why playing spy is fun: you get to feel sick to your stomach. As Mr. Covert explained in his “phone” interview with CBC Radio’s Sook-Yin (holla!) “Secret Lives” he would want to throw up because it felt like he betrayed his best pals—it’s totally like Super-Soaking your own teammates!

So, instead of throwing up because your team ahem* Raptors *ahem* can’t cover the rotation, you can throw up because you’re in constant fear of your diluted morality. Win win!

“Secret Lives” (mp3) - CBC Radio (starts at 2:00min and is picked back up at 20:00min)

WEST

LAKERS’ Color Schemed Honda Element vs. NUGGETS’ Video Game Chair

First all, the Honda Element is the shittiest looking vehicle to have ever vehicled. But I mean, having it yellow does add a little something to it… like as if they were paying tribute to the Beatles. However, on the flip side, the Nuggets soft XBOX approved video gamey chair is just what’s needed when the team gets swept and homers need something to do. LAKERS IN 4.

MAVERICKS’ Potato Head vs. HORNETS’ TV Monitor

Well, the Mavs have a disadvantage here since Mr. Potato face’s toy is the norm for every all the teams. And yet, I can’t let go of the Hornet’s TV having half a basketball for an ass. But, I do love watching TV. HORNETS IN 6.

SPURS’ watch key vs. SUNS’ Girl Bear Cheerleader

Time… that’s all we’re ever worth. And the Spurs don’t have it anymore. And the girly Suns toy is just “bear-ly” legal. AH AHA HAHA HA. SUNS in 6.

JAZZ’s 80s colored Monster Truck vs. ROCKETS’ Cup

Jazz suck. Go McGrady. ROCKETS in 9.

EAST

CELTICS’s Haley vs. HAWKS’ Briana in Movie Tastes

Haley says she likes Elf and Pride and Prejudice while Bri is all about the Judd Apatow: Knocked Up, Superbad and Wedding Crashers for good measure. Look Haley, you can like Elf, you can like Pride and Prejudice, but you CANNOT have them both on your bio. HAWKS IN 7.

WIZARD’s Briana vs. CAVALIERS’ ?? in Interesting Facts

Briana loves math and the Cavs can’t even get someone to put a name to their dancers = FACT: Zards in 5

RAPTORS’ Nikki vs. MAGIC’s Lacey in Favorite TV Show

Nikki likes The Hills and Now & Then while Lacey likes King of Queens. Oh fuck this series is going to suck. PUSH

PISTONS’ Chelsea vs. SIXERS’ Amber in Quotes

C. is all about “Pick your battles wisely” while Ambz believes “It’s not luck… it’s talent. Luck is when talent meets opportunity.” So, obviously this resonates with their breakthrough team… thus… Sixer in—ah who am I kidding, Pistons in 2 and a half. Yeah, they’ll make the 76ers forfeit.

…and honest to Pope Benedict, yes I feel a bit pervy. But deep down, don’t we all?

In what seem to be a coincidental annual thing here, I’m live blogging an end of season game that means big bucks for the teams involved.

I really want the Beard to win. Let’s see how this baby flies shan’t we?

1st Q:

– So that we’re clear, the Warrior’s equipment manager totally messed with Melo’s breathaliser right?

– Thunder Dan got one too many thunder tans (ba da ching!)

– Shaq’s old and slow and fat and all that, but he can still intimidate a player to lose the ball as they go up for a shot (ahem Monta)

– Fact: this game already has 13 trillion layups

– Okay some tall guy not named Bierdrins just vaccumed Barbosa’s shot. I’d buy a ticket back to Brazil if that happened to me. Fuck it, I’d still want to go to Brazil regardless.

– Broadcast team hyping “planetorange.net” as a social network/blog community thingy…verdict: it’s ugly.

– Grant Hill wants to score really bad guys. Like, bad.

2nd Q:

– 33-30 with Pietrius getting the and1. Psst, it’s a little late for the MVP

– Diaw’s strategy tonight: get the ball from Hill, drive, pass it back to Hill (if Hill passes back to Diaw, he’ll still give it back)

– Uh, that going 90mph Grant Hill thing just kinda stopped short here…looks like he pulled something

– he’s still hanging around though, a good signage

– Ellis is a freak.

– Lemme clarify: Dude could be a leaner more explosive Chris Paul because he basically thought “hey, I want to get to point B and finish with [such and such] shot” and does it. HE’S A FREAKING GRASSHOPPER

– New place to get pen name if ever I move to Hollywood — the spam box: “Elywn Bartholomew”

– Oh, right: 65-52 with 2mins left in the half.

– I imagine as Nash threads another sick pass to a tomahawking Amare, Shaq gets up and cheers uproariously—until Brian Skinner whispers in his ear: “big fella, that wasn’t you…you’re still on the bench”. To which Shaq dies a little inside.

3rd Queue:

– Down 13, battling for their playoff (spot) lives and Baron isn’t on. WHAT UP?

– Ooooooh, so it’s a lane violation when Shaq hits a FT… haters.

– Act’n Jack’n wants to be a hero!! Yay my hero!! 78-73

– Related note: now, whenever I hit a 3 pointer at the gym, my mind will only mentally register it as 2 points, then the additional 1 will only come up along a SOUTHWEST AIRLINES ad.

– Grant Hill’s strained groin update, brought to you by SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

– Baron Davis’s ‘tude is upsetting Nellie’s beer belly, sponsored by SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

– SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES

– 82-80 without BDiddy. Methinks this means that I have to start a sentence without “Methinks”

– 82-82!!

– STEPHEN JACKSON FOR VICE-PRESIDENT. Your call Obama.

– At this point, I’d just like this 94-86 3rd quarter end. Just like that. You know? Don’t want to spoil a good thing. Like that very sweet strawberry, once you had that, you don’t want another one that might not be quite as good.

4th Quail

– If someone doesn’t spontaneously combust in this last quarter then I’ll be a mad customer.

– Wow! Back to back plays with Shaq getting a perfect lob and then Pietrius answers back…yet the only thing feel more important is that cute girl next to the baseline camera man taking a sip of water.

– Telling that not only is Baron not in the game, but you can’t even see him with the rest of the players on the bench

– Apologies, 107-101 as Amare swims for a dunk.

– 109-107 as the Warriors need to out start Worrioring

– 109-109 and1 for STAT…Baron Baron Baron

– Oh.. oh oh..

– C’est finis…sucks that the Bay Area crowd can’t be hyphed in the postseason…

This year’s awards will recognize the truly beautiful aspects of the game, as mathematically calculated by The Hotness Computer.

The Hotness Playa: Chris Paul

Surely CP3’s magic can no longer be contained. It’s just bursting like tulips around this time of year. This guy can get anywhere in the court and no one can do anything about it, not even his mama. Averaging at least three alley-oops to Tyson Chandler (he got one up on Utah just as I’m typing this) even with teams knowing that’s in their nightly play book—that’s magician-like. Speaking of the Jazz, Deron Williams vs. Chris Paul forever please! Oh and being #1 in the West is no small feat.

The Hotness Underdog: 7ty6ers

Sixers? I don’t even know her. No seriously. I don’t anything about the Philly Ballas. Having them get into the playoffs, that’s sneaky guys. Don’t do that to me again. Andre, if you can windmill and do a somersault in mid-air whilst Dwight Howard flies over you? I’d be very appreciative.

The Hotness Hibachi Being Back: ARENAS ARENAS ARENAS ARENAS!

Hey, Agent Zero Time Zero Equals Zero is back y’all. That’s very important around here. So important that because of him (obviously) I will make a LeBron voodoo doll just in case they match up in the playoffs. Oh Bron, YOU’RE IN FOR A BIG BACK THIGH HURTIN’!

The Hotness of Filming Stuff: Stuff I’m proud to have done recently with classmates. Like with the Girltalk from yesteryear, we worked waaaay too hard to something that’s only a couple minutes long (come on Spielberg, call already!). Chek-it:

A 2min FILM (16mm what!) with the main idea of “space” and “depth” in mind. So don’t mind if there’s no story.
A another 2min short, this time with video, playing with “time”. There might be a story here somewhere. It has something to do with the LA Clippers, I’m sure of it. Also, I’m in there somewhere: hint, I’m not a tree.
Hmmm, so many video projects…just gives me luscious ideas that I should combine it with my other favorite loves, namely…sports…hmmm….(*rubs evil cat and laughs maniacally*)