Things You Wouldn’t Hear January 11, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Culture/Fashion/Style, Photoshopery, TV Shows , 2 comments |
********TRANSCRIPT********
DAVID STERN: So that’s all there is… any questions?
REPORTER: Yes right here, David. What are your thoughts on Make Me A Supermodel?
DAVID STERN: What?
REPORTER: What are your thoughts on Make Me—
DAVID STERN: I heard you the first time. I can’t believe you’re asking this stupid question.
REPORTER: Well, I…
DAVID STERN: “Well I” NOTHING! Make Me A Supermodel is such a Project Runway and America’s Next Top Model ripoff. How dare you bring that trash into my press conference. Be gone you witch! Be gone!!
********END OF DAVID LYNCH’S TRANSCRIPT********
How The Hollywood Writers’ Strike Affects The NBA November 6, 2007
Posted by TheHype in Outrageousness, Photoshopery, Poop Culture, TV Shows, Unrelatedness , 4 comments |
I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a TV watcher. Shocking but true. And there is a strike going on with the writers of America for something frivolous like money or something. This is all very important, since I love my tv shows, but it’s also important in that it will affect what 96% of this blog is about: the NBA.
I mean, with the writers out, who will send in nightly scripts for David Stern to approve? Dramatic storylines like the following can’t be made up with spontaneity!
Chuck - Kobe’s Nightly Output
With the NBA writing staff gone, we have no clue just where Kobe’s f-you season is going to lead us. Whereas before, with script writers checking in, we knew that he had to start out like a bull and torment everyone—the league, his coach, his teammates. But now that the strike is here, his storyline is up for grabs.
The Unrelatedness Plot Suggestion to the NBA: Kobe Leaves For Africa. Just like that.
Project Run(a)way - Clay Bennett’s Thong Design
MAKE IT WORK PEOPLE! I don’t actually watch this show, but through gosh-darmnit osmosis know enough to make a reference.
Now you might say that “reality tv” don’t have writers. To which I might say you are wrong wrong wrong. See, without writers carefully planning the outcome of hundreds of footage, viewers have no clue what the story is. So the same is applied here with the SuperSonics Saga: unless someone rummages through the garbage (re: Clay Bennett’s words), NBA fans have no idea where their beloved franchise will end up.
The Unrelatedness Plot Suggestion to the NBA: Make Bennett wear a dress and walk the runway.
LOST - Unanswered Storylines
With 9 teams starting off the season with a wonderful 0.00% record, I hope the writers sure know what they’re doing. Fine, even when the writers weren’t striking, we had a hard time figuring the secret plans of McHale; Pat Riley’s roster problems; Golden State’s luck; Scott Skiles vein on his forehead; or even what the Sacramento station is supposed to do (I hear it houses polar bears!)
The Unrelatedness Plot Suggestion to the NBA: Just reset the season and give everyone a 2nd change, c’mon, we’re just 3 games in!
Your Complete Guide to Referee Sainthood 101 July 27, 2007
Posted by TheHype in Law Breaking, Photoshopery, Referees , add a comment |
The Gibberish:
Alright alright, it’s been about a good week’s worth of just about everyone and their dead cats (Murray and Felonious) determining the end of professional basketball’s sanctity. Fuck all of that. You know why for us hoops fans, we squirm whenever the phrase “this is the biggest black eye to face the NBA in its history…” is used in a column or uttered on TV? It’s because that doesn’t fit at all. The gravity is way too high for this event — the real buzzkill is the over-usage of the that term when, if you just take a second and look … the sport has not been uprooted at all, but just a simple love tap.
There is cheating, and it’s serious, but not a fraction of it really undermines why we love watching 99% of the games. So chin up everyone out there that’s feeling uneasy — the only reason you feel that way is because you know you’ll still love the NBA wholeheartedly… And for some weird reason, because of this Donaghy fuckbag you now have a feel like there’s an obligation to feel guilty? Nah, forget it. Just let it go, this event hasn’t changed anything.
The Gibberish pt. ii (but with funny):
Phew, got that outta my chest now that the “serious” voice is locked up without food or water, here is the official Unrelatedness’ Guide to Referee Sainthoodâ„¢ where it is system for the NBA to truly, for complete certainness, know that the refs are as clean as bizarro Lindsay Lohan:
1) When asked if they gamble on anything and they answer:
- a) I don’t gamble
b) I gamble, but just a little
c) fuck you narc! where’s my lawyer bitch?
d) I will sell my mother to repay debts
a), b), d) will tell you that they are liars. A reply of c) is just rude
2) When asked if they know anyone in the mob and they answer:
- a) haha? the mob? yeah right that exists, ha!
b) the only mobster I know is Fat Tony on the Simpsons
c) where ma lawyer at fools?
d) David Stern is the biggest gangsta of them all ha ha ha
all of the above will tell you this person is insane
3) When asked if they cut their own hair
- a) what does that have to do with anything
b) yeah actually, I do, thanks for noticiing!
c) bitch, ma lawyer goin’ dun the haircuttin’
d) The Gambino family has a hairdresser— uh-oh
And so, that’s how we deduce things.
David Stern’s Rules Are Perfect June 8, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Playoffs, Outrageousness, Photoshopery , 2 comments |
As you might remember, some time ago, in the year 1678, there was a little incident involving Robert Horry and Steven Nash. But that wasn’t the problem you see, it was what happened afterwards: the suspensions of Amare Stoudamire and Boris Diaw leaving the Suns short handed for Game 5.
At the time, Robert Sarver, Suns owner and all around crazy person said that he would like to bring up this rule of “never leaving the bench area if an “incident” should occur on court” and perhaps change it. Well, the time has come for Supreme Deity David Stern to meet with owners and talk. Did they tweak the rule? Haha! Only in your silly fantasies!
“We recently brought the subject up for discussion at our competition committee meetings,” Stern said before Game 1 of the finals between the Spurs and Cleveland Cavaliers.
“There was no proposal to change it. Our teams are satisfied with the enforcement and generally felt that any other enforcement would have been quite questionable given the past enforcement.”
Obviously the owners feel making money is better so they didn’t blink twice about even suggesting a change. Ah well, that’s how the cookie crumbles for us fans I guess.
Breaking News: David Stern Hates Your Silly Dreams May 16, 2007
Posted by TheHype in 2007 Playoffs, Golden State Warriors, Outrageousness, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs, Utah Jazz , 2 comments |
The Suns… I don’t think they’ll ever get to the Finals without an alien invasion taking place in America West Arena. Joe Johnson one year, Amare/Raja the next, then Amare/Diaw this year. David Stern, as great as he is, sometimes becomes so pragmatic and draconian to me. I bet he thinks the NBA offices are the Jedi temple and everything they believe in should be “the way”.
You know what happened Dave? Anakin Skywalker turning into Darth Vader because of his hatred of the restraint of the elders. Steve Nash will turn evil because of you! It’s come to making nerdy references dude.
That said, I believe they’ll pull off the upset Wednesday (well, tonight… it’s 2am of the day as I’m writing this… so…) Why? Because I’m crazy and Charles Barkley’s passionate yammering against the rule have made the situation better to me. And that makes me have faith. When the Round Mound of 300 Pounds calls out the league, all’s good in that world.
Love how Ernie used the town bell to break up the continuous, looping debate. It can’t be said enough how great Inside the NBA is.
Oh and uh… the national darlings are done. I dunno man, I wish the Warriors wouldn’t have gone out in that hot headed way (how many techs were there). But at the same time, it’s that same emotion that fuels Oakland’s surge—ripping the heart out of Dirk, literally. So it’s a push and… well, I digress.
Doug Collins, as Stephen Jackson gives Jerry Sloan a hug: “I like that.”
I’M SURE YOU DO DOUG!
Thursday Thumbtacks: The NBA Surrenders to Chairman Mao March 29, 2007
Posted by TheHype in Cleveland Cavaliers, Linkage, Orlando Magic, Photoshopery, Videos , 1 comment so far |
Oh, no no no no. No. That is just a joke. The NBA didn’t really surrender, “ha ha”, of course they were “willing” “participants” in letting the Cavaliers “play” the Magic in exhibition games over at La Chine. “Of course.”
(shh! Comrades, we must not let the impending People’s Liberation Army get to us, the password to the safehouse is: varnish)
What does this all mean? Nothing really, for Sternbot, it’s your annual hypnotizing of the Chinese world to love the NBA; for LeBron and Dwight Howard? They’ll finally have a chance to return their rented copies of Hello Kitty 5: Destruction at Cloud City. All in all, when this thing hits, I’m approximizing that half of kids in attendence will be wearing bananas … so thuged out yo.
So I’m super doper sick with school-like symptoms with a hot fever of 2 essays that need to be done by Monday. The cure is to write 200 words in 3 hours, then goof off for next 9 hours. This recipe is flawless, and delicious.
To commemorate all that NBA/China/Hip Hop-ness (as well as semi-addressing some rather silly and that “stereotyping” non-sense, which, from what I gather around the nets, isn’t too damaging), here is good ol’ Dave Chappelle:
[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=-8433833226577535957]
(Don’t worry Comrades, I’ll be posting as I’m likely to procastinate, a lot… in fact I’m doing it right now…)
NBA Toons: Helpful Tips November 11, 2006
Posted by TheHype in NBA TOONS , 4 comments |
Man, that Sci-Fi Film class is taking over my other interests huh?
Oh and if you indeed DO want to cross Mr. David Stern, there’s an interesting site/forum classily called Fire David SternTrueHoop). I fully condone their site, if for no other reason that they implemented a doodle from the UnrelatednessSite (via for their logo/banner.
(*psst* Mr. Stern, don’t send your robots to crush me.. please sir!)
COMMISH STERN GETS CRYPTIC June 26, 2006
Posted by TheHype in 2006 Finals, Photoshopery , 2 comments |
(7:43pm)
From the main page of NBA.com, there was this pic along with a little snippet:
On June 28, NBA Commissioner David Stern will introduce the NBA’s newest employees, as he announces the Class of 2006. Before that, however, he will unveil the contents of the black box below — sure to change the way you see the game. Check back Wednesday at 11:30 a.m. ET to see what’s in the black box.
Okkaaaay JJ Abrams. If I wanted quirky plot devices that only gives an anti-climatic resolution, I’d seriously watch Lost instead (which I do, and getting more bitter as each ep passes, but that’s another story for another time).
Since there’s no fun/active news in the NBA other than the Draft, which this average schmo is even further ill-equipped to comment on, I’ll give ya some of my guesses for the contents of the BLACK BOX OF DOOMâ„¢:
- The last of the Leg Tights
And yeah, there weren’t any logos…yet:
