Shaq Is The Protectorz May 11, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Phoenix Suns, Unrelatedness, Videos , 1 comment so far |
Huh, interesting that this unaired SNL clip with Will Ferrell and Shaq didn’t blaze up the NBA blogs last week. Then again, I think the world hasn’t forgiven Ferrell for dropping a bore that is Semi-Pro…
What’d I Give For… The Phoenix Suns To Win It All April 28, 2008
Posted by TheHype in 2008 Playoffs, Phoenix Suns, San Antonio Spurs , 5 comments |
Oh hello there friends. It’s me. Hypey. It’s time I write down some words. This timez, it’s about all the what/ifs happening on the playoff battle arena right now.
As a basketball lover, it pains me to admit with deep regret that I haven’t watched much of the Suns/Spurs deathmatch. You know how I feel about this series. Hell, you know how I felt about this series since the beginning of the season.
What can I say, for the (almost) two years I’ve been keeping down this blog-ish, it’s been wonderous—seeing all the different other maniacs (re: bloggers and fans) come out of the woodwork and get “it”. That “it” meaning the Suns really should be in the Finals because of either Steve Nash’s bliss or Mike D’Antoni’s s’tache or even embracing the joy that is having SHAQ of all people on your side.
Alas, things with me are changing, perspectives and directions are going in different paths that I couldn’t have imagined yet at the same time it was predicted (translation: “life”). The same goes for the Phoenix Suns.
You couldn’t have imagined that they’d be down 0-3. But still, it was the Spurs they were facing. Who else would give them the proper pressure? Yeah, they got 1 win now, but who’s to say in the next 24hrs they have an altering experience that renders them completely changed at the molecular level. Hell yeah I’m implying they might turn into the X-Men.
In the spirit of hoping they do something special, this is what I would give for the Suns to win it all, be the first team down three games to none and win the series:
– give up on kicking innocent puppies
– giving up on eating badly and eat more veggies
– give up my mutant first-born
– give up to Prince, completely (I mean, I’m like a whatever music guy, but Prince + Creep? that shit is hot)
– and most importantly: see Iron Man
Haphazard Live Blogging Warriors vs. Suns April 14, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Golden State Warriors, Live Blogging, Phoenix Suns , 2 comments |
In what seem to be a coincidental annual thing here, I’m live blogging an end of season game that means big bucks for the teams involved.
I really want the Beard to win. Let’s see how this baby flies shan’t we?
1st Q:
– So that we’re clear, the Warrior’s equipment manager totally messed with Melo’s breathaliser right?
– Thunder Dan got one too many thunder tans (ba da ching!)
– Shaq’s old and slow and fat and all that, but he can still intimidate a player to lose the ball as they go up for a shot (ahem Monta)
– Fact: this game already has 13 trillion layups
– Okay some tall guy not named Bierdrins just vaccumed Barbosa’s shot. I’d buy a ticket back to Brazil if that happened to me. Fuck it, I’d still want to go to Brazil regardless.
– Broadcast team hyping “planetorange.net” as a social network/blog community thingy…verdict: it’s ugly.
– Grant Hill wants to score really bad guys. Like, bad.
2nd Q:
– 33-30 with Pietrius getting the and1. Psst, it’s a little late for the MVP
– Diaw’s strategy tonight: get the ball from Hill, drive, pass it back to Hill (if Hill passes back to Diaw, he’ll still give it back)
– Uh, that going 90mph Grant Hill thing just kinda stopped short here…looks like he pulled something
– he’s still hanging around though, a good signage
– Ellis is a freak.
– Lemme clarify: Dude could be a leaner more explosive Chris Paul because he basically thought “hey, I want to get to point B and finish with [such and such] shot” and does it. HE’S A FREAKING GRASSHOPPER
– New place to get pen name if ever I move to Hollywood — the spam box: “Elywn Bartholomew”
– Oh, right: 65-52 with 2mins left in the half.
– I imagine as Nash threads another sick pass to a tomahawking Amare, Shaq gets up and cheers uproariously—until Brian Skinner whispers in his ear: “big fella, that wasn’t you…you’re still on the bench”. To which Shaq dies a little inside.
3rd Queue:
– Down 13, battling for their playoff (spot) lives and Baron isn’t on. WHAT UP?
– Ooooooh, so it’s a lane violation when Shaq hits a FT… haters.
– Act’n Jack’n wants to be a hero!! Yay my hero!! 78-73
– Related note: now, whenever I hit a 3 pointer at the gym, my mind will only mentally register it as 2 points, then the additional 1 will only come up along a SOUTHWEST AIRLINES ad.
– Grant Hill’s strained groin update, brought to you by SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
– Baron Davis’s ‘tude is upsetting Nellie’s beer belly, sponsored by SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
– SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
– 82-80 without BDiddy. Methinks this means that I have to start a sentence without “Methinks”
– 82-82!!
– STEPHEN JACKSON FOR VICE-PRESIDENT. Your call Obama.
– At this point, I’d just like this 94-86 3rd quarter end. Just like that. You know? Don’t want to spoil a good thing. Like that very sweet strawberry, once you had that, you don’t want another one that might not be quite as good.
4th Quail
– If someone doesn’t spontaneously combust in this last quarter then I’ll be a mad customer.
– Wow! Back to back plays with Shaq getting a perfect lob and then Pietrius answers back…yet the only thing feel more important is that cute girl next to the baseline camera man taking a sip of water.
– Telling that not only is Baron not in the game, but you can’t even see him with the rest of the players on the bench
– Apologies, 107-101 as Amare swims for a dunk.
– 109-107 as the Warriors need to out start Worrioring
– 109-109 and1 for STAT…Baron Baron Baron
– Oh.. oh oh..
– C’est finis…sucks that the Bay Area crowd can’t be hyphed in the postseason…
Things To Look For Tonight: Phoenix vs. Suns February 20, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Los Angeles Lakers, Phoenix Suns , add a comment |
Shaq’s smiles for the cameras … as the action is
happening on the other end of the floorThe REAL Superman is back tonight. And fighting his old stomping grounds of the LA Lakers now as a Sun. It’s poetry is what it is.
If only Bynum is in this as well, then we’d get our money’s worth of a smackdown for the ages. God I hope to … er, god, that they match up in the Playoffs.
Here’s what you need to look out for in tonight’s game (because I won’t be watching: seriously, I’m gonna be at a pickup game… pfft, don’t look at me that way! Those legs aren’t going to work out themselves!)
* That puke you see in front of you as you see Shaq check in? That’s the realization at how ugly he looks in a PHX jersey
* Kobe will distribute like crazy up until the 3rd… that’s when he’ll want to dunk on Shaq’s nose everytime
* Nash will throw an alley-oop to Shaq in the same way as he always have for Shawn Marion — but it goes horribly wrong: Shaq totally forgot what a dunk is… and just throws it at security guard
* For once, Phil Jackson will look animated, but that could be the constipation
* For once, Mike D’Antoni will look calm and reserved, even Zen-like—oops sorry, the camera was still on Phil, ESPN just put up the wrong name caption
* Hubie Brown will say: “NOW, the ref saw it differently…” which totally means “fucking dumbass call”
* Finally, I will have blown a breakaway layup and get taunted by my teammates. It’s uncanny.
Woah Woah Woah. Who Turned Off The Lights? February 6, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Miami Heat, Phoenix Suns, Trades , 1 comment so far |
I’m asking, because somehow, Steve Kerr got locked inside the toilet over the weekend someone and shut the lights on him. When he came out, disoriented, he said… “I need… [cough cough] I need… a limited edition movie poster of Gremlins… and oh yeah… [cough cough cough] Shaq”
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!
Only three thing’s for sure:
1) Shaq looks horrible in orange
2) We haven’t played “Shaq” at optimum since we hacked NBA 2k4
3) The Stephen Colbert, Conan O’Brien and Jon Stewart festi-brawl was television orgasm.
Scenarios That Can Play Out Now:
The Dream Scenarios: File these under the same dreams as “getting a personal massage from Summer Glau and Autumn Reeser at the same time (hehehe Summer and Autumn…)”
• The Suns defeat the Spurs and is largely due to Shaq being the only person, er, object large enough to sustain Tim Duncan
• The Suns then meet the Lakers in the Western Conference Finals. But again, grand-papa Shaq knocks the Euro out of Gasol-ina and Kazaams the shit out of Andrew Bynum to make it a round-about-way final middle finger to the Lakers (even though every’s moved past this, but ESPN will remind us anyway)
• … that’s it
The Un-Dream Scenarios: File these next to Freddy Krueger’s hat
• Shaq can’t keep up to play more than 20mins a game, which, as the Suns lost Shawn Marion, is shitcakes
• So you lost an All-Star runner, 3 pointer and rebounder, but in return you got…someone that can share stories with Kerr about how to clean their Chip Rings.
• … that’s it… but really, can any of this be good?
March 8, 2008: Yahoo Live Boxscore Hawks Vs. Heat January 11, 2008
Posted by TheHype in Atlanta Hawks, Live Blogging, Miami Heat, Photoshopery , add a comment |
Saving you the trouble… *(Comic Book Guy Voice)* Like, oh my god, the play by play is totally unrealistic. They should be in reverse chronological order. Worst. Parody. Ever.
Mulligan! [NBA.com]
What Would You Paint On Your RV? September 12, 2007
Posted by TheHype in Poop Culture , add a comment |
Ah Shaq. Shaq, Shaq, Shaquity-Shaq.
While it’s not a surprise an NBAer decided to use Italian (film) gangstas as their iconic representation that is to be a manifestation in the form of an RV, it is rather funny Shaq in a tux. I mean, cooooome on, a suit? Really? That’s stretching it pal.
So I ponder what type of murals other NBA players would paste all over their traveling mobiles. I came up with thusly:
– Tracy McGrady: mural of Admiral Ackbar
– Chris Paul: mural of Burt (yar yar … old, recycled joke — not even mine really, I totally stole it, HEY! I’m Carlos Mencia!)
– Scottie Pippen: mural of Sarah Jessica Parker
– Jerome James, Antoine Walker: mural of muffins and cupcakes
– Ray Allen: mural of Jesus
– Tony Parker: mural of a baguette
– me: mural of ponies
Making A List of Rich People Is Fun! June 16, 2007
Posted by TheHype in Linkage, Outrageousness, Photoshopery, Videos , 1 comment so far |
Because of course, celebrities don’t get enough attention and publicity as it—by god Forbes is serving man kind in ranking them all! From the flash-advertisement hell that is Forbes.com, how they got to The Celebrity 100:
Tinseltown’s triumphs are reflected in this year’s Celebrity 100, Forbes’ annual list of the world’s most powerful–and best-paid–celebrities. To generate the list, Forbes analyzes celebrity earnings, plus media metrics like Google hits, press mentions as compiled by Lexis/Nexis, TV/radio mentions from Factiva and the number of times an A-lister appears on the cover of 32 major consumer magazines.
Earnings estimates are for June 2006 to June 2007 and consist of dollars earned solely from entertainment-related income. Management, agent and attorney fees have not been deducted.
Okay, so to bring it back to the NBA relatedness, the notable players we already know about are in there: Kobe Bryant (ranked #23), Shaq (#25), Michael Jordan (#35–who is he?!), and LeBron (#48). SHOCKER! You can see all the other sports’ male athletes here and female athletes here, try to contain the excitement.
Let’s just take a looksee at who else is on the list… I’ve make a nice screengrab here so you don’t have to go to their site because everytime their ads reloads a puppy gets shot
Disregarding the fact that Grey’s Anatomy fell off big time this year, what gives Forbes? Grouping the entire cast as one? Favoratism yo!
Again with this “entire cast” thing. Heh, gotta sting for Bron to see he can’t beat the Parker/Longoria machine anywhere.
Random Linkage for the Weekend:
Blog Show No. 13 [Mr. Irrelevant]
BestSportsStuff
Son of Sam Malone
Shaq Has Strong Arms September 19, 2006
Posted by TheHype in Videos , 1 comment so far |
“We’ll run off and be happy together forever!”
Speaking of Shaq, here is Shaq’s “top ten quotes” as put together by our TSN channel, though it’s nothing you haven’t seen yet. Where’s “don’t ask dumb questions young lady?”
All Hail Emperor Shaq August 15, 2006
Posted by TheHype in Photoshopery , 6 comments |
Some lovely photos of Shaq plotting his takeover of China:
See, it’s not just America that never had a black president, China never had a black emperor.. so think about that [/end somewhat politically incorrect joke]
There’s not that much noodling in Shaq’s mind other than the obvious things.
Finally, a bit Tarantino-esque. Btw, that’s not the actual English translation of what’s written in Chinese.. so whoever gets the real translation, gets a biiiiiig big prize from this blog. Hint (for the prize, not the translation): it has something to do with my hands, forcing them together.. and outputing sound, thus creating an ‘appreciative’ gesture.
And for the hell of it, since the picture was somewhat in the position of mockery:
I feel bad for picking on Clifford.. he seems like nice enough guy.. but that IS a huge doubie.
Try to explain the West...
